808p - Hey. It's Diddy… quoting hypeman lines from years past. Wow, did you know that Diddy was your host? Umm, you weren't listening, eh…

810p - Lindsay Lohan looks and sounds like a crack head… she also, at the same time, looks like a slum, slim version of ye olde Anna Nicole Smith, pre “Trim-Spa, Bay-bee” phase

811p - They give out two major awards right away??? Someone ain't watching the Grammys lately, nahmean?

813p - Famous disappointed faces there… Usher, Gwen Stefani… sorry, let your millions console you for not winning a tin statuette.

814p - 'Yeezy looks like he showed up to Miami two decades late, like he was taking cues from the new DVD release of Miami Vice… umm, shout out to Chris Milk, who got screwed on his seat… yessir, these things happen. And my album drops soons, like August 30^th, people.

816p - Beavis and Butthead have never really been that funny to me. They're still not funny now.

820p - Missy with new underage gal pal chanteuse Ciara; Missy rocking the old Aaliyah one-eye covered look, with the hair straightened…

821p - Man, the Luda joint sounds like the Rare Essence version that they play in Maryland that I can never find on vinyl or CD… wait, this is Rare Essence… good lookout, Mr. Bridges, as this will be the only Maryland representation save for a Good Charlotte sighting.

822p - Note #1 (as the sound cuts intermittently)… they always skimp on the sound engineers at these things… like they couldn't afford good mic setups…

825p – Diddy says no vulgarity, then does a poor George Carlin impersonation. Through it all, he stays dapper in a crushed velour cigar jacket; Joan Rivers and her botoxed daughter (or the other way around) are happy with this development, I’m sure.

827p – Meet Diddy the Beneficent, giving bling to his adoring peasant fans. 100 to 1 odds that whoever grabbed that Jacob the Jeweler watch doesn't make it out of the audience pit alive, or with the watch.

828p – why exactly does Diddy give away more money to rich artists… this makes plenty of sense; oh, and VOTE OR DIE, it ain't a slogan, it's a way of life

831p – Green Day is sitting behind G-Unit; maybe they're collaborating on a Boulevard of Queens Broken Dreams…

832p – Channel Switch: In other news, QVC has a sale on the Waring Pro Stainless Steel Professional Waffle Maker, and it's looking real surreous at $79.50… no stretch pay, though, kiddies.

834p – Alice just called in to say that the same waffle iron costs $150 at the store she was at yesterday… see, that just made this Must See TV… Ayo, and they're selling Diamonique jewelry at 9pm, for the ballers on a budget. Best get on the QVC hot pick sale…

837p – Grandmaster Flash doing lead-in music… remember when he held it down like this for The Chris Rock Show? Remember when MTV used to be able to get Chris Rock to save this sinking ship called that VMAs? Yeah, pining away for the past does nothing for the present…

838p – Someone owes me money on the odds; son really did get yoked up by security. Never fear, Diddy has stepped in and righted the wrongs. Backstage, some 6’8” former college football player is getting screamed at by a petite show coordinator with a headset that’s cutting off the circulation to her brain.

839p – Diddy breaks it down like your drunk uncle at the annual Memorial Day picnic, grooving to Atomic Dog and MJ… wait, Omarion and Luke with video girls on stage; Alicia Keys got caught on camera feeling the little Uncle Luke breakdown.

840p – IT'S HAMMERTIMMMMMEEEEE, and the 90s are back with a vengeance. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas are overjoyed. Really, they're losing it…

841p – Ain't nobody (the double negative is deserved here, even demanded) else that excited… but Hammer still has some moves; Jamie Foxx is just happy he's got a drink in hand…

842p – Two Simpsons that aren't Bart and Homer… introducing Best R&B nominees, talking about repping the dirty… not a good look, these MTV 'fusion' ideas…

844p – Alicia wins… nice one. Let's see if she goes off on another "staying true to your art" bender…

845p – nope…

847p – we have a Heat sighting… cue Shaq cutting in on D-Wade’s facetime, with all these stupid leadins from the Jessica Alba and the evil teleprompter

847:30p – Shaq cometh… Shaq owneth… that is all

848p – Shakira and that guy… ay, Shakira is wearing the newest in guerilla warfare chic, or else she raided the set of Destiny's Child's 'Survivor'… I mean, she can do that, 'cause they're breaking up and all… New gentlemen's bet… less than 20% of the audience understands all the lyrics to 'La Tortura'…

853p – Channel Swith : Now QVC has the nonstick cookware set on stretch pay… step up your chef game… 12 pieces for 5 easy payments of $30.99 + S&H

859p – so, who didn't see Rize… well, it was a bit like what's on stage now, only better. Umm, a lot better, and the Black Eyed Peas and B5 weren't cosigning in my movie theater.

902p – Missy/Ciara wins best dance video, and they have a little sidebar with Hov too… is everyone in that section of the audience beholden to S.Carter on some Godfather-type thing, or what?

903p – Eric Roberts has a son with a website, and a CD that he’s hawking… umm, yeah. And he's leading into Kells… cheah.

904p – Kells is playing all the roles! And more chapters! (I'm not really that amped about this, but my exclamation mark key has been underused)

905p – eh, this is exactly what I’d do if I was the visual director for this segment… fast forward through all the chapters… straight to some Kells roleplaying on Chapter 6 (or 7 or 8 or something)

906p – Kells, the pied piper of R&B opera lip-synching… guess Britney Spears wasn't doing a performance, so they needed to get their fill somehow…

910p – Kells on the hood redemption tip… Rufus is going back to his wife, lip-synching all the way… he kissed Chuck one more ‘gain, though.

912p – Ad break: The GAP ad spots have finally shown me the light… I guess this is why I'm not a music superstar…. I like jeans with room in them that don’t grant me the magical powers of falsetto.

921p – I zoned out while Sean Combs Puff Daddy Diddy wasted more minutes… The Killers are doing Mr. Brightside at some hotel in Miami. Good for them… where's Yeezy???

924p – Super agent Jeremy Piven from Entourage with Lil' Kim, who's the new poster child of keeping an eye out on sheisty entourages… Don’t be surprised when some entertainment gossip show reports that hundreds of “Stop Snitching” t-shirts have arrived at the doorsteps of every member of Junior M.A.F.I.A.

924.5p - Fiddy finds this Piven-Kim banter of little consequence, so says the less-than-bemused facial expression.

926p - wouldn't it be great if 50 and The Game won Best Rap Video and had to come on stage together? Yes, it would, and you know it… you watched a car crash and a train wreck last week, and liked them both, admit it…

927p – Luda's ode to Austin Powers wins… not nearly as much fun; and he didn't even get to have a meeting with Jay-Z on his way up there... oh, but Hov still gets his shoutout; that'll have to suffice, I suppose…

933p – Ad break: Jodie Foster has a movie coming up… umm, it looks like The Forgotten, except on a plane… plot will be something like this: Oh no, where’s my daughter!!! What do you mean she doesn’t exist!!! I am not crazy!!! When the DVD drops two months after the movie, we can revisit this to compare and contrast in a battle of the redheads with her and Julianne Moore.

935p – mandatory shout out time, 'cause that's how Diddy rolls… another check-in with Hov… have you heard, he runs things…

937p – Biggie redux with a orchestra… it's like a live mashup… somewhere, a kid in the Midwest with a computer and Napster or something is trying to search for classical music to put with his bootlegged B.I.G. pellas…

938p – Diddy leads a rendition of Warning… with all the cell phones and effects, can we get a leadin to Nextel Chirp???? S-n-double o-p D-o-double-gizzieeeeee on the remix…

939p – Common and Johnny Knoxville freestyling and presenting the MTV2 award… Common dropping hints about his new video for ‘Testify’, which I'd be checking for even if he wasn't hyping it…

941p – Nominee note: Akon is Nate Dogg 2005, with a better solo album…. Nothing personal, Nate… and Jeezy & Akon’s “Soul Survivor” is a pointless hood anthem with legs… Let’s Get It!

943p – Fallout Boy wins the MTV2 award. Band members, synchronize your watches. The time is now 00:14:59…

943p – yo, Jigga got another shoutout from some Fallout Boy… The Roc is in the building.

945p – Channel Switch: On TLC, they're doing card tricks at a cheap restaurant… Strangely, David Blaine didn't name drop Hov. He's going to do the cheap levitation thing later, though.

950p – CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK… time for reggaeton with the would-be animal whisperer himself, Joey Crizack… Uh oh, Joe says it's safe onstage because of G-Unit sponsored cops… cue some ignorance within the next hour when Curtis gets his airtime.

951p – Don Omar looks like he's related to NORE and Manny Ramirez, and they only let him get in a few bars of 'Reggaeton Latino'… more TV time than he's ever gotten on MTV before…

953p – Nobody seems to know Tego, but all the white kids are up on Daddy Yankee. Umm, and the Black Eyed Peas are excited again…

955p – Missy wins again. Is 'Yeezy upset, or is he good now that he already got one early on… Missy shouted out Jigga; of course he's her inspiration…

957p – Diddy is a 'NEW NEGRO' ???? The hell does that mean??? Does this mean that every should want to be an ‘old negro’, post haste???

958p – Skateboard P doesn't have his fronts… must have left them on the Slim Thugga set. Pharrell says he's a lot like Chris Martin from Coldplay; don't know if that's a good thing, since I'm of the opinion that Coldplay is aural novocaine… works well for sentimental movie clips and car commercials, but I'm not going to get caught bumping that at a gig…

1002p – Channel Switch: Post Coldplay, David Blaine is doing the 'frozen in ice' special… continuity leading out of Coldplay, I daresay….

1007p – the next installment of "if it wasn't for Diddy, we wouldn’t have even got in the building, let alone onstage"… we present… B5 in front of a crowd…

1008p – Ricky Martin wants to feel the heat; he has a faux hawk and a 5 o'clock shadow, so the heat he's feeling might just be the wind catching the excess hair on his head…

1009p – Kelly Clarkson vs. Ashlee Simpson vs. Gwen Stefani vs. some other slackers… first time it's OK to root for Kelly Clarkson (if you're not pulling for Gwen getting empowered on the Neptunes marching band production)

1011p – Alicia Keys & John Legend introducing Yeezy and Ray Charles Jamie Foxx… see how they reference all the tie-ins; “ ‘Licia Keys tried to talk some sense in him” (wink, wink… nobody in the audience is gonna know who this guy is, are they…)

1012 – how many Gold Diggers in the pit audience giving 'Yeezy daps? Raw estimates place the number somewhere between the number of children fathered by Shawn Kemp and Scottie Pippen, and the 10⁵. Really, those numbers make a tight range…

1014p – WE WANT PRE-NUP… Yeahhhhhhhh (should have brought Jeezy in to adlib that; he’s not doing anything but playing enforcer sitting next to Jigga while people make supplication every 5 minutes)

1015p – this just in… after much hemming and hawing, no editing of "leave yo ass for a white girl" occurs… that validates Kanye’s last 238 temper tantrums, doesn’t it?

1017p – Ad break: 'Ye drinks Pepsi, and he recycles… he’s embracing the positive right now.

1022p – Dane Cook is like the ‘00s Andrew Dice Clay for MTV, but funny (supposedly), and not quite as pointlessly abrasive. Still not as good as Chris Rock.

1024p – Oops… jokes involving Superman / Christopher Reeve (R.I.P.) just don't go over well, unless Eminem and or a puppet is somehow involved.

1025p – Best new artist. Kanye isn't up this year, so nothing of note here…

1026p – The Killers got over here from whatever hotel they were at in record time; I've done a bit of driving in Miami, and it's really not that possible to get anywhere that quickly.

1028p – Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan in a suit that doesn't run on radioactive isotopes… Diddy really can make anything happen.

1030p – Eva Longoria is looking focused. That is all… oh, and The Black Eyed Peas are excited about it, again… but this time, half of the audience is right with them…

1031p – Throw to Mariah at another hotel. With the big little man Jermaine Dupri… some folks should be repping JD like everyone is jocking Hov tonight…

1033p – Jadakiss 'n Styles P over by the cabana, DJ Clue adlibs in the background… REEEE-MIXXXXX… Mariah sounds like she's out of breath…

1035p – JD stole a shoutout that would have otherwise gone to Hovito… so much for Mariah getting a Kanye remix after that faux pas…

1037p – Beavis & Butthead still aren't funny

1039p – Ad break: Two giant monsters just gave birth to a Hummer H3. Little monster or no, I still can't afford one; right now, I can't even afford the gas…

1042p – Ad break: Alicia Keys: Unplugged, September 15^th, online ??? What happened to just showing good music shows at 10pm on MTV; is Read World – Road Rules Challenge #2,256,389 really that vital to the late night lineup. Also looks from the teasers like Common might be up in the spot for the Unplugged sessions...

1043p – Paulina Rubio is wearing a full body pair of pantyhose; maybe it’s a tribute to Cher. I can't even remember what she did to get here, aside from a Dr. Pepper commercial… Anyway, a bunch of the nominees for breakthrough video are actually cool videos, so it's all good.

1044p – Rubio is puzzled that The Gorillaz aren't here to accept their award. Back to anonymity, Paulina.

1045p – The Black Eyed Peas, while introducing Fiddy, called Jimmy Iovine "The Maestro". Forgot to mention the Don, Sean Carter…

1048p – halfway into the 50 Cent/G-Unit medley, and Tony Yayo appears with a t-shirt from the Macy Gray limited collection…

1049p - $5 to the person who explains Yayo's "invisible-compact-mirror-face-check" thing…

1050p – Okay, things just got reallll interesting… someone wasn't on their job with the mute button, and all manner of Crizack-haterade and anti-Michael Powell language slipped through. Heads will roll, and Wendy Williams can breathe a sigh of relief that she now has something to blather about on-air this week.

1053p – Channel Switch: They just let David Blaine out of the ice on TLC. ESPN says that Denver just temporarily froze Maurice Clarett out of the NFL, deciding to release him… see, TLC is all about continuity for television viewers…

1057p – Diddy is tossing to My Chemical Romance, because they're his “boys”. Take that, take that…

1057.5p – The lead singer looks like he stole Fiddy's Kevlar; Curtis is going to need that after coming at Fat Joe… didn't he get the memo? Crack is heavy in Miami (I mean, he's “heavy” everywhere, but Miami is like his home-away-from-BX)

1100p – Bow Weezy stepping out on his new girl Ciara, with celebutante Paris Hilton, to announce the Viewer's Choice award. Please be aware that they’re coming "conservative" with 600 carats of diamonds on-stage between the two of them.

1102p – awkward moment for Billy Joe & Bow Wow… two men can't figure out how to give daps in close quarters…

1104p – This just in: Kelly Clarkson has come a looonnnggg way from American Idol to being the finale of the VMAs…

1110p – Jamie Foxx says Destiny's Child has sold 50 million despite downloading. Jigga is pleased with this…

1110.5p – This reunion/farewell to DC isn't as touching as other years, when someone’s passing was being mourned… nevertheless, Ray Jamie still manages to get in a “Hallelujah” and I’m sure someone in the audience has a fan from Jenkins & Sons Funeral Home.

1112p – final VMA for Video of the Year = Green Day; hugs from MC Hammer for everyone… no reaction shots of Mr. West, but Snoop keeps his cool demeanor, as usual.

1114p – shout out to the soldiers. End the war.

1115p – Diddy reps for the Lord, in t-shirt form… maybe he's trying to fill the void recently opened by Mr. Betha, who is about 30 seconds from reinstating his old “Murder Ma$e” moniker now that he’s a G-Unit soldier…

1116p – Clarkson rocking out barefoot… I guess this is what’s happened since you've been gone, along with that whole important “breathing for the first time” business.

1117p – From the audience reaction, I'd swear everyone in the crowd on the floor are obsessive American Idol fans or somesuch…

1118p – still rocking in the rain with Kelly Clarkson, complete with crowd support

1120p – Doctors pronouncing this one dead at 2320, do not resuscitate…

¶ 6:46 AM //